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It takes a community to raise a grandchild
by Virginia Schmitz

I am just one of many who find themselves forsaking their role as a child's grandma to take on the responsibility of parenting. For most of us, there was heartache and grieving for months or years before the inevitable change took place; almost universally, I have found, substance abuse by one or both parents had hindered their ability to recognize and meet their children's needs. For me, it was during this grieving period that doors opened wide to prepare me for the new family I would ultimately receive.

I went into early retirement shortly after my youngest son graduated from college in 1991-to catch up on some reading, sewing projects, gardening or whatever I felt like doing on any given day. That was, coincidentally, the same year the CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates) was established in Humboldt County to be a voice for the abused and neglected children who are dependents of the court. My grandson, Trevor, was only two years old when I decided to volunteer for that agency. My objective was to make a difference for a child I didn't know in hopes that someone would be there for Trevor when and if the need came for him.

A blond-haired, blue-eyed girl came into my life through one of the foster-parent friendships I made while volunteering for CASA. This particular foster family had already adopted two boys with special needs and was caring for a medically fragile infant. The family needed a break now and then, so I offered to take the six-year-old girl occasionally for weekend visits. The young child thrived on the one-on-one attention I could give her, and when school was out for the summer of 1997, she asked to "spend 20 days" with me. That led to a requirement that I be licensed as a foster parent even though I was only providing respite care-or so I had planned! The good news is that Tabby became a permanent member of my family on May 20, 1999, when her adoption was finalized.

In the meantime the home situation for my grandson had gotten worse. He came to stay with me in April 1998 when his dad was in a downward spiral, having lost his driver's license, his job, and nearly everything he owned-not to mention his will to face another day. There were plenty of adjustments to make. Both children had spent most of their years as the only children in their family of origin, and both had suffered tremendous losses in their young lives. We adapted, we adjusted, we learned, and we have all grown.
We continue to be a foster family. We currently have another boy and girl sharing our lives. They go to one school here in Eureka, my daughter goes to another school and I am home-schooling my grandson. We go to the library once a week for books and videos, and we take advantage of the many free events our community offers. They all played soccer this year (on four different teams!), and they've all learned to swim "in the deep water." The girls participate in the Humboldt Light Opera's children's program and I support the gas stations in town!

I still have dreams and goals for my "golden years." However, my reading list has changed to what is more relevant to the children, my sewing projects are mounting as I focus on mending their clothes and making Halloween costumes, and my garden has more weeds than flowers.

I'm perfectly content to give all that I have to offer to the children in my care and to help them connect with the goodness in this community. It is a wonderful opportunity to parent children later in life when "ladder climbing" a career path no longer interferes with soccer games and art projects. I often think I need to get back into the work force to eliminate my worries over how we will make the money outlast the month. But in my sane moments, I realize that I have only so many hours in a day, and my years are probably numbered.

Thanks to one vital community program

Children who are dependents of the court have programs and funding to support them. Children who are being raised by grandparents or other relatives do not. There is no social worker to identify needs, there is no CASA to speak for the child, and most insurance companies will not cover medical services. This responsibility is all on the caregiver.

Two summer ago, I learned about the summer lunch program that was being offered to children through Food for People. I had spent every dime I could scrape together for soccer camps, swimming lessons and gasoline for summer school. This program provides free lunches to children 18 and under from Rio Dell to Orick. Lunches are served each summer weekday at different park sites and recreation programs. We began having a "picnic at the park" every afternoon, and I didn't even have to pack the lunches! We were always welcomed warmly, and if there was a shortage of lunches at our usual site, we were referred to another. That experience taught me in real terms to save tomorrow's worries for tomorrow.

Food for People helps thousands of individual and family households every month, and the summer lunch program is just one of many ways to stretch food dollars. They offer food assistance in the form of supplemental groceries to individuals and families who come into their 307 W. 14th Street facility. They provide supplemental groceries to 500 low-income senior citizen households each month throughout the county as well. There is a free bread distribution every day that their doors are open, and I have learned to use a loaf of French bread in more ways than you can count on both hands!

The community liaison people at each of the schools have recognized ways they can support my efforts and find ways to make life a little easier when I least expect assistance. I truly believe it takes a community to raise a child, and we are very fortunate to live in a community where the need for support is recognized.

Resources for grandparents raising grandchildren

I have heard repeatedly that love and consistency are the key ingredients to raising children other than our own. But sometimes, this isn't enough. These kids have life experiences that we cannot even imagine; they may have developed survival skills that are not necessarily welcomed in society as a whole; and, they may have even suffered prenatal drug or alcohol effects. Recognizing when you need help, and not feeling guilty about it, is crucial to being able to offer the love and consistency.

There are many resources available, and I encourage every grandparent who is raising a grandchild to connect with someone or some agency that can be objective and is willing to listen:

o Humboldt County Foster Parent Association, 443-9215
o Parents Helping Parents, 441-8400
o Court Appointed Special Advocates, 443-3197
o College of the Redwoods Foster and Kinship Care Education, 476-4339
o Humboldt Regional Occupational Program, 445-7122
o Food for People, the Food Bank for Humboldt County, 445-3166

Virginia Schmitz and her family live in Eureka. Jennifer Rishel of Food for People contributed to this story.