Senior News June, 2001 Vol. 20. No.  6

 

Published by the Humboldt Senior Resource Center in Eureka, California. HSRC is a non-profit community-based organization offering services for senior citizens, multi-generational families and caregivers.

"It's our way to help." Open Heart Qulters stitch their donations to nonprofits

Caregivers to receive help

Love and Death: Most relationships don't end at death

Redway: New leadership comes to Healy Senior Center

What seniors want: CSL members follow bills in California Legislature

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Love and Death
Most relationships don't end at death
by Sharon McKinney

Love does not end with the death of a friend or family member. Every one of us has been touched by death. Amazingly, for an event we all must experience, there seems to be little instruction in what to do or how to behave. Here are some ways to honor the relationship.

1. Speak up. Just to say "I'm so sorry to hear..." is better than withdrawing in silence. Don't spout your own religious philosophies of where people go, or "God's plan," or say it was a blessing. Your friend might not share that belief, but we all share the human experience of loss, and you can surely be there for your friend.

2. Don't say "Call if you need anything." That is so vague, and most people won't call. Think of something and do it-come clean the house, arrange rides for those who can't get to a memorial or graveside service, or pick up packing boxes and help your friend sort through a loved one's belongings at the appropriate time. There are dozens of tasks that need to be done, and the grieving family doesn't have time, energy or attention for it all. Turn your calendar pages and randomly write the name of your friend with the notation to call. So often, after the business of death, the family is not kept in active contact.

3. A wake or gathering after a funeral is not supposed to be a hosted buffet with entertainment. The family has enough expense in financial and emotional energy just for the burial or memorial service. They shouldn't have to host the gathering. Bring food-including prepared meals to be reheated later in private moments. If the food gift is on a disposable plate or dish, it saves the family from having to keep track and return the dishes later. An address label on a dish that needs to be returned is helpful. Hug people, hold their hands, make eye contact-some wordless communication is comforting.

4. People who have experienced a loss often need to talk and express a wide range of emotions-anger, frustration, abandonment or even humor and happy memories. They don't always need or want answers and explanations-just an ear to listen, a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on.

5. No matter how many friends and loved ones you have lost, you do not know what the other person is feeling. Maybe they are feeling relief-an end of suffering for the one who has died, an end of extreme caregiving. Allow them to feel what they feel and to express their own unique emotions, even if you don't understand them. You are there to be a friend, not a fixer or rescuer.

6. Loss of a child or even a miscarriage can be especially hard. Don't say "you'll get another chance" (maybe they won't), "there's a reason" (are you sure?), or "it's a blessing in disguise." (blessings don't hurt). In the case of a miscarriage, don't say "It's not like it was a child." (It certainly wasn't a turnip!) Just sitting is the most important thing you can do in that first few days, or even weeks. Then dragging her out to do things will be the next most important thing. Or cooking meals. Or just sitting some more. Listening to her talk and cry will be one of the most painful things you will do, but will certainly be welcome.

7. Don't underestimate the devastating loss of a pet. Who but a companion animal has 24 hours a day, seven days a week to be there with unconditional love. Pets are often the closest relationship people have in their lives. Listen to stories about how the pet fit into the life of the owner. Pets bring laughter and pleasure and leave a big vacant place when they are gone.

8. If you have a special memory of the one who has died, share it with the family. Write it in a card so that in days to come the family or spouse can read again how their loved one's life had meaning and purpose. A table at the reception with index cards and pens and a basket for the cards is thoughtful. Photographs taken at fun times with notations on the back expressing gratitude at having enjoyed times with the person is a wonderful present.

There is no time limit on grief. It takes the time it takes for each of us to come to peace with the ache in our lives. We keep our loved ones alive in our memories and in sharing.

Sharon McKinney lives in Crescent City and maintains relationships with her daughter, granddaughters, friends and two rambunctious dogs. Her e-mail is sjmck@earthlink.net.